Five Years Ago Today.....

You know something...... there is nothing more wonderful then finding out that you are pregnant. To take that HPT and see a positive!! Yep, 5 years ago today my DH and I were celebrating the fact that we were expecting. Oh, we were delighted to know that we were expecting our first child. I couldn't be happier and we rejoiced with one another knowing that within 9 months we would be holding the child that both were so excited to be pregnant with. We debated on whether or not to tell our parents, but I told my DH that I couldn't wait so we of course shared the news. I mean what else is more exciting to hear then us being pregnant!?! We had been married for only 4 short months, but it was still so exciting to find out that we were pregnant. I was scheduled to go in for my yearly pap smear and just had a feeling that I should take a HPT. We went to the store after church, grabbed a HPT and I went home right away and tested. I don't know why I felt the need to test, but something inside me made me want to do it. I wasn't late for AF and as a matter a fact, I was just spotting, but something just felt different. So, shortly after I tested..... I saw that it was positive and I was BEYOND THRILLED. Shawn and I just hugged each other and couldn't get over the initial shock, but we were so anxious to share the news with our parents. My parents were in Mexico on vacation, but I called them anyway and Shawn called his parents as well. Yep, they were both thrilled. I was happy, but to be honest a part of me was concerned and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I was excited, but definitely cautiously optimistic. I tried to relax, but I couldn't and on Monday I contacted the doctors office. Little did I know that this all would be the beginning of a horrible nightmare. I had no clue, I mean no idea that I was as far along as I was with my pregnancy. I was a little over 2 months pregnant and didn't even know it. I remember it all like it was yesterday........ I went in for my appointment and was so excited to see our baby. They weighed me, had me pee in a cup, took my blood pressure and off to the u/s room we went. I undressed from the waist down and waited anxiously for my doctor to come in. Oh - a knock at the door and in walked my doctor. There is something about my doctor..... he has always been such a kind and caring doctor and I had been going to him for many years by this time. I just felt calm around him. Anyway, we talked for a short bit and then he proceeded to do my ultrasound. He wasn't really saying much, but looking around like crazy. He hit one spot and I felt some slight pain. Nothing that sent me through the roof, but enough to get my attention. My doctor asked me if I took a hpt and I said "yes" and he said that perhaps I wasn't that far along to see anything yet. I was concerned because he kept going around a certain area and every single time he would go around that area..... I would say "Is that our baby". Little did I know that the little spot that he kept maneuvering around was indeed our baby. I was sent off for blood work to check for my pregnancy hormone and was told that he would call me when the results came back. A couple days went by and I got up for work. I used the restroom, but was experiencing some excruciating pain. At this time I noticed blood on the toilet paper and I instantly started to freak out!! I woke my hubby up and he said to give it some time. I called off from work due to me not feeling so great and laid back down in bed. I tried my best to go back to sleep and I couldn't. The pain was worsening and my hubby had called the doctors office. At this time, the blood flow was increasing and I was experiencing horrific pain. I couldn't take the pain and my doctor told me to come right in. The good thing is that his office was just right across the street from our neighborhood. I checked in and went right back to the examining room. I remember laying there and praying that everything would be ok with our baby. The tears were falling, my blood pressure was out the roof and my pain was something I don't ever want to deal with again. My doctor walked in, did an ultrasound and went right to the same spot that he kept going around previously. He said that with the blood test results and the ultrasound that his thoughts were correct. He told me that I was indeed pregnant, but it was an ectopic pregnancy. Our baby was growing in my right fallopian tube and had to come out. I had never heard of an ectopic pregnancy before and I asked him if there was a way to save our baby and he said unfortunately no. He told me to get into our car and drive straight to the hospital. He said that I needed to get in for emergency surgery or I could quite simply lose my life. Our town that we live in is real small so everything is real close thankfully. We got into our car and I remember Casting Crowns playing on the CD player. My tears wouldn't stop falling..... I couldn't stop thinking about how excited we were just a few days ago and now it was all being taken away from us. My husband was being so strong for me and I was a mess. I was wheeled into the hospital and gave them my insurance information. The nurse came to get me while my husband finished up. I had never been in the hospital myself, let alone having surgery and I was so scared!!!! They took me to a room where they helped me get dressed in a hospital gown, started an IV and I was wheeled back to the OR all in about 20 minutes. WOW, I had no idea that I was going in for EMERGENCY SURGERY and all I could think of was....... I am losing our baby and my parents are in Mexico. Shawn told me that everything would be ok, he wiped my tears and kissed me good-bye as they wheeled me to the operating room. The last thing I remember was telling everyone in the operating room that I was sorry for crying so much. I wanted to tell them to be gentle with our baby, but by the time I could get it out - I was asleep. Talk about a nightmare and a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up from my surgery and recall being so sick. I puked all over myself and my MIL and she was so sweet to stand by the bed and wipe my forehead with a cold damp washcloth. I remember it all like yesterday. I remember feeling so much pain physically, mentally and emotionally. I had no idea that this whole thing would send me tail spinning into the world of INFERTILITY.

Five years ago today, I found out we were expecting and 5 years ago come the 25th was when our child was taken from us way too soon. I think about what could have been and even though we were never able to hold our child or see our child...... it still hurts. I can't believe that he or she would probably be in pre-school and we would be preparing them for kindergarten. Would Cameron have a BIG brother or sister? Would they get along? Would he or she look like Mommy or Daddy? Oh - there are so many things I wonder about and so very little that I know about. The only thing that I am certain about is that I love that child as much today as I did when I found out that I was pregnant. I know that he/she is up in heaven and safe in God's arms and when I think about that..... I feel a sense of calmness. What more could you ask for then to know that your child is safe with God!?! One day we will meet our child for the first time and until then we will continue to remember our child. A child that is loved and cherished every minute of every day. We love you our sweet precious one and we miss you and think about you often!!