Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sad, Disappointed & Upset

Well, I think the title of this post says it all. Late last night before going to bed I was overcome with some horrible cramping.... yep, it was indeed AF knocking down the doors to come in for her monthly visit. I had the doors and windows shut up nice and tight, but all you women know how AF is and if she wants to come, she will come whether you like it or not. I have been praying to God and asking him that if another baby is in his will for us then we will be blessed in his time. Unfortunately, with the years past and us trying our best to conceive we realized that things never happen in our time but in "God's Time". Perhaps, this isn't the right time for another baby or perhaps we are only meant to have our precious little Cameron and that is perfectly fine as well. As sad and disappointing as it may be, we also remember that we have Cameron who is just an all around perfect little angel. I was holding out hope til the last minute last night. I told myself that the cramping could be just like what I experienced when I was pregnant with Cameron, but that wasn't it at all. So, where do we go from here? Well, I am definitely NOT going to go back on Clomid. I just experience too many funky things when I am on that fertility drug and I just don't want to deal with that anymore. I think I will try taking a break from it all, perhaps try to lose some weight and just enjoy every single day that I have with my little boy. It is hard to understand when you have so many couples out there that are or could be GREAT parents, but just can't get pregnant again or can't have any children and then you have these other folks that can't take care of the kids that they have and keep popping them out.... it is upsetting and hard to understand. I have been through alot, but there are so many more couples out there that have endured so much more and still continue on with the emotional infertility roller coaster. It is a devastating blow when you have to deal with infertility. You grow up thinking that the world is this great place, that you will find prince charming, get married and have a family or at least that is what I thought and wanted for myself. Never in my world did I think that having a baby would be so difficult. I simply thought that it would just happen naturally and to be honest I never really even thought about the dreaded word "INFERTILITY". Wow, was I ever wrong in my thinking. Don't get me wrong here, I am so very blessed with my little boy and he truly is the most precious gift that I have been given. He starts my days out just perfectly when he calls out from his crib by saying my all time favorite word "Mommy" and he ends my evenings with a kiss and hug and then off he goes to the step calling out for "blankie" and "Mickey". He amazes me more and more ever day. He is so smart, he is just full of so much love and life and I couldn't ask for more, but for some reason I still do and for that I feel guilty. There goes that emotional roller coaster again!! Well, I will wrap things up for now. I am going to run in and get me some juice and some breakfast before my little angel wakes up for the day. Perhaps I will find peace in my decision to take a break from trying to have another child.....

2 comments:

bsabulsky said...

I was just thinking about you yesterday afternoon as we walked back from the store and passed your house. I was thinking how the 27th was just around the corner and was wondering how things were going. I am so sorry hun. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I think you have a great idea...to forget about it for a while, continue to enjoy Cameron like you are, and wait and see what GOD has planned for you. I am here for you if you ever want to talk, vent, or even a shoulder to cry on to help let out some of the frustration. Sending hugs your way....Barb

Becky said...

I have never met you, but happened to stumble across your blog. I wanted to say that I am incredibly sorry for the pain that you must be going through right now. I too have suffered from infertility problems and just wanted to share with you something that has really helped comfort me... a book titled, "Tiny Toes" written by Kelly Damron. The book is an excellent resource to anyone facing infertility issues. Not only does it provide informative technical information, but also honestly and directly addresses the emotional struggles faced by couples going through this process. It was great to hear someone else's story- It really helped me feel as though I was the only person facing this issue.