Sad, Disappointed & Upset

Well, I think the title of this post says it all. Late last night before going to bed I was overcome with some horrible cramping.... yep, it was indeed AF knocking down the doors to come in for her monthly visit. I had the doors and windows shut up nice and tight, but all you women know how AF is and if she wants to come, she will come whether you like it or not. I have been praying to God and asking him that if another baby is in his will for us then we will be blessed in his time. Unfortunately, with the years past and us trying our best to conceive we realized that things never happen in our time but in "God's Time". Perhaps, this isn't the right time for another baby or perhaps we are only meant to have our precious little Cameron and that is perfectly fine as well. As sad and disappointing as it may be, we also remember that we have Cameron who is just an all around perfect little angel. I was holding out hope til the last minute last night. I told myself that the cramping could be just like what I experienced when I was pregnant with Cameron, but that wasn't it at all. So, where do we go from here? Well, I am definitely NOT going to go back on Clomid. I just experience too many funky things when I am on that fertility drug and I just don't want to deal with that anymore. I think I will try taking a break from it all, perhaps try to lose some weight and just enjoy every single day that I have with my little boy. It is hard to understand when you have so many couples out there that are or could be GREAT parents, but just can't get pregnant again or can't have any children and then you have these other folks that can't take care of the kids that they have and keep popping them out.... it is upsetting and hard to understand. I have been through alot, but there are so many more couples out there that have endured so much more and still continue on with the emotional infertility roller coaster. It is a devastating blow when you have to deal with infertility. You grow up thinking that the world is this great place, that you will find prince charming, get married and have a family or at least that is what I thought and wanted for myself. Never in my world did I think that having a baby would be so difficult. I simply thought that it would just happen naturally and to be honest I never really even thought about the dreaded word "INFERTILITY". Wow, was I ever wrong in my thinking. Don't get me wrong here, I am so very blessed with my little boy and he truly is the most precious gift that I have been given. He starts my days out just perfectly when he calls out from his crib by saying my all time favorite word "Mommy" and he ends my evenings with a kiss and hug and then off he goes to the step calling out for "blankie" and "Mickey". He amazes me more and more ever day. He is so smart, he is just full of so much love and life and I couldn't ask for more, but for some reason I still do and for that I feel guilty. There goes that emotional roller coaster again!! Well, I will wrap things up for now. I am going to run in and get me some juice and some breakfast before my little angel wakes up for the day. Perhaps I will find peace in my decision to take a break from trying to have another child.....

Kelly's Precious Little Boy - James Michael

Well, if you have kept up with the story about my friend Kelly, then you will be happy when I share these pictures with you. Kelly went through many rounds of IVF and finally got pregnant and delivered her beautiful and precious little boy James Michael on August 24th. I don't know about you, but I think he is just so cute and it so makes me want to have another little one. Anyway, Kelly's hubby (Tim) sent some pictures and I am sure she won't mind me sharing them with you. Yep, you can tell that Kelly is one happy Mommy!!


~~ CONGRATULATIONS KELLY & TIM ~~

Mommy's Little Angelbug

Here are some recent pictures of Cameron that I thought I would share with you. ENJOY!!

Still holding out hope.....

Well, I was told that I indeed ovulated and I am still holding out hope that the Clomid worked for us this time. I still haven't seen AF arrive and to be honest with you..... she could stay away for 9 months and I wouldn't care one bit. I was told by my doctors office that if I don't start my period by the 27th then I should take a HPT. Well, I am still holding out hope that we are pregnant and that Clomid worked for us. I am not sure how I feel about taking a HPT. I have seen so many negatives in the past years that it makes me so nervous to take one and risk seeing that negative. It sounds strange, but alot of women that have dealt with infertility probably understand me when I say that a part of me thinks that if I don't take a HPT and I still haven't started my period then I could still possibly be pregnant and then a part of you holds on to that and you hope and pray that it could indeed be a positive. So, that is where I stand right now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, and did I mention scared? I know that if it comes back negative then we are just going to drop the subject of trying to have another baby. I know that I can't go through the process of being on Clomid again. My husband Shawn doesn't like it when I am on it either so, that is probably where things will end. I hate giving up on my dream of having another child, but I have been blessed with Cameron and for that I am thankful. It does make things a bit easier this time around knowing that I have a child already and I know for a fact that I probably wouldn't give up if I didn't have Cameron. There is just something inside almost every woman that longs to be a Mom, to experience pregnancy, to feel that baby move inside her belly and to experience all the joys of Motherhood. I know for a fact that I truly LOVED being pregnant..... I loved everything about it. I was nauseated morning, noon, and night up until I gave birth but I knew that it would all be worth it when Cameron was born and indeed it was. It was difficult getting pregnant, the pregnancy hormones constantly had me sick and hovering over the toilet and I had to have a c-section after 31 hours of labor, but still to this day I can honestly say that I would do it all over again. Being a mother is the best job that I could have asked for and to be honest "You never know what love is til you are called Mommy". I hear that word on a daily basis and I never get sick of it. I don't think I could ever imagine my life without Cameron in it. He is the brightest star in my sky, he is my sunshine that I see every single day, he is the air that I breath and he truly has completed our lives. He is the best gift that God has given us and I am so truly blessed. So, here is to hoping that we will be blessed with another little bundle of joy. I will be sure to keep you posted!!

A NEW ARRIVAL - IT'S A BOY!!

As some of you read in previous posts that a friend of mine (Kelly) was pregnant and expecting a little boy in August after many rounds of IVF. Well, I am happy to announce that little Jimmy arrived and made his grand debut on August 24th at 2:00 pm. He was around 8 lbs and I believe 20 1/2 inches long. I am still waiting to hear from Kelly, but once I do then I will be sure to post all the details and hopefully a picture. I saw him on the hospital website and he is a handsome little guy..... I think he looks like his Momma, but we will see as he gets a little older. Anyway, I had to share the wonderful news. I am just so excited for her and her husband Tim. They went through alot in order to have that little guy and they are all truly blessed to have one another. CONGRATULATIONS KELLY!!

Progesterone Needles - OUCH!!

It is quite strange, but I was cleaning out from underneath my kitchen sink last night and at the far back of the back of the cabinet was a HUGE liquid Tide container. I thought that I pitched that container long ago, but I didn't. Hahaha, I guess that goes to show you how frequently I clean under the sink (lol). Anyway, I used that container to store all of my used needles when I went through IVF. They do actually give you a sharps dispenser when you get all of your fertility meds and needles, but with as many needles that you use you definitely need a MUCH LARGER container to store the needles in and then dispose of them. Well, I came across the container and looked inside and couldn't believe my eyes. I knew that I took alot of shots, but looking back on it and seeing the needles.....well, I almost freaked out!! All I can say is that I am 1 tough cookie to have gone through everything that I did in order to make my dream of becoming a Mom come true. It was totally worth it and I would do it all over again if we only had the extra money. Anyway, I had to post this picture that I took of the progesterone needle. OUCH, I remember those shots hurting like no tomorrow, but we lived through them after receiving some great advice from a dear friend that I am willing to share with anyone now. If you ever need advice on how to make the progesterone shots not hurt so much just e-mail me anytime at lisaandshawn@columbus.rr.com - I am always willing to help. So, here is the picture of the needles that went into my tushy every night for a couple months. OUCH!!

Clomid (Progesterone level update)

Well, I had blood drawn yesterday to check the level of my progesterone. The test basically checks your level which in return will tell you if you ovulated. Well, I just got a call from my doctor's office and they informed me that I did indeed ovulate. They like to see the level over 10 and my level was 16.5 so we definitely ovulated. I had no doubt at all, but it is always nice to have the reassurance. So, just wanted you all to know..... I will keep you posted.
Ta Ta for Now : )

Progesterone Check Yesterday

Well, I had blood work done yesterday to check my progesterone level. I forgot how much I missed all that blood work (NOT). We should find out today whether or not I ovulated and hopefully the Clomid brought us some luck with trying to conceive Baby #2. I know that taking the Clomid this time around was enough to send me over the edge. I honestly forgot how evil I was when I was on it a couple years ago, but soon realized shortly after I started the meds this month that it is definitely a drug that I don't wish on anyone. Whew, it literally turned me into someone that I am not. I was always snapping at my poor husband and I was down right mean and nasty and that is SO not me at all. I am grateful that the Clomid appears to finally be out of my system and hopefully the rough cycle will bring us some good news. The side effects that I experienced this month were quite awful. The one side effect that always seems to effect me when taking this medication is definitely the MOOD SWINGS. I also experienced some awful cramping this time around and as always the hot flashes. I am sure that I ovulated, I actually have no doubt that I ovulated, but the question is still the same thing....... was it enough to help us create another little miracle? We certainly hope so, but we have also come to the realization that we won't go through another round with Clomid. We will just hope and pray that conception occurs with the help of God's hands and we will be able to add another little one to our family. It is always hard to understand why having a baby has to be so difficult for so many couples that long to have a little bundle of joy and for others it is as easy as 1, 2, 3. Well, I will keep you all posted on what happens if anything and here is to everyone else having difficulties getting pregnant...... I WISH YOU ALL LUCK!!

MOOD SWINGS ARE AWFUL

Well, things are ok here. It has been quite an awful month to be quite honest with all of you. I totally thought that perhaps the Clomid wouldn't be that bad this time around since I already have our little boy, but I was wrong. I guess I didn't realize how bad this fertility drug was until it started causing havoc in my life. WOW, lets talk about some messed up hormones, mood swings, mood swings and did I mention mood swings? It has been so terribly bad that my husband and I sat down to talk about what we are going to do next month if we didn't become pregnant. Well, after that conversation we decided to STOP the Clomid and just enjoy our little boy. This fertility drug is truly enough to make me want to climb the walls, scream at the top of my lungs, cry, laugh and whatever else strikes my fancy. I would normally be able to handle things and I wouldn't get so upset, but I am truly someone that I am not familiar with at all and it isn't fun!! I am ready for these fertility meds to be out of my system and for me to get back to the person that I am use to being. It is strange when you feel like you are out of control and you realize it, but you just basically have to wait til the meds are out of your system to feel better. Being infertile is definitely a very tough road for anyone and then when you throw medication on top of the emotions and hormones that you are already coping with it makes it even more difficult. I always wanted more then 1 child because I wanted Cameron to have someone to play with and I know for a fact that he would be an EXCELLENT Big Brother, but if we don't have another one then it won't be the end of the world and I have realized that. I am just so very happy and blessed that I have 1 child and he brings so much love, laughter, and light to our lives. I go in for bloodwork on the 18th. . . . that will let me know if I ovulated so we will see what takes place then. We are not giving up hope and we are keeping the FAITH, but I will feel a sense of relief once I am done with the roller coaster of emotions and the Clomid is out of my system. I will keep you all posted.

Cameron @ 19 months

Cameron turned 19 months yesterday. WOW, I can't believe that he is now 19 months and the time just keeps passing by. I have pictures of him up throughout the house when he was just born and pictures to present and I can't believe how much he has grown. He is such a little man now and he is so well behaved, smart and so very sweet.

I will share with you a story about how very sweet this little boy is and how very lucky I am that he is mine. I decided to lay down today to take a nap.... Cameron was up off and on throughout the night last night and I think he is getting his 2 year molars. Well, I didn't sleep much due to him being up plus the Clomid for some reason or another causes me to have problems sleeping. I was sound asleep and Cameron must have just got up from his nap. Shawn went to get him up and they both looked in on me to see if I was ok. As I am sleeping, I hear this little voice say "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy". I knew instantly it was Cameron and I waved my hand. Shawn brought him over to the bed and Cameron crawled across the bed to me. He nuzzled that sweet little face next to mine and gave me a hug. He then leaned in and gave me a kiss. I looked at him and he said "Hi Mommy". It was truly the sweetest wake up gift ever. We laid there for awhile and I talked to him and my husband Shawn and during that 10 minutes of just laying there - I think Cameron leaned over about 10 times and gave me a kiss each and every time. Isn't he just the sweetest little guy? I never knew that I could love someone so much. My love for him grows every single day and it gets stronger and to be honest I never knew it could be possible. You never know exactly how your own parents feel until you are a parent yourself. I am truly the luckiest woman alive. I have this AMAZING little boy that is healthy, smart, sweet and is just full of so much love. I can't help, but to say it everyday, but I am SO SO BLESSED by GOD that I have my son Cameron.

~ Thank you God for sending me this perfect gift in Cameron~ I attached a picture of Cameron and I playing in his new school bus tent. He loves it when I crawl in there with him and play. Not much room for Mommy and Cameron, but we make it work and he loves every minute of it and well, so do I.

The Pomegranate Story

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

Clomid and Mood Swings

Well, I am done with all of my Clomid pills for this month. Now for the fun part of trying to make that baby that we want. It is definitely different from last time. I now have our little Cameron that will be 19 months on August 6th and he is growing everyday. So, I know that if we don't conceive then at least we have our little boy that is so very precious to me.

My mood swings are in full force right now. My sister has been suffering with endometreosis for many many years and has had her fill with it. Luckily, she has 2 kids (Corey and Ashley) that are both beautiful children in their own way. My sister is 38 and she informed me that she doesn't want anymore kids so with her having a hysterectomy today I guess that is a good thing. I guess that my sister and I are different when it comes to things like this. I am still so desperately wanting more children and I feel for her that she is having all of her female parts taken out today that it just makes my heart ache. I am so worried for her and to be honest I can't control my emotions today. I called one last time to check on her and talk to her and she is scared to death and just so worried and I kinda know how she feels. I guess I think back to 2004 when they wheeled me in to have surgery, they removed my right fallopian tube and right there inside my fallopian tube was our first little baby. Little did I know that I was so far along.... I was 2 months pregnant and I didn't even know that I was so far along. All I knew is that they were going to remove my tube and more importantly that little baby that Shawn and I wanted so very much!! I know that my sister is done having children and she has been having so many female problems over the years, but a part of me still feels that this is such a BIG step and I feel bad that she even has to make such a difficult step. She hasn't had a chance to do any research, to talk much about the hormone replacement or anything and I feel in my heart that it was such a BIG step so FAST. I am truly an emotional wreck for her and being on these meds doesn't allow me to control my moods so easily. Journaling does however allow me to put my thoughts out there with hopes that I am sharing them with others and perhaps helping someone else. It is strange because there are times when I think about other women that are so young that have to have the same surgery and they probably didn't even have that chance to have children and when I think about that...... it breaks my heart!! I hope that this is the answer to my sisters many female problems. I hope that she will recover and be able to get back to where she use to be before endometreosis took over her life. In the mean time I am going to try my best to get my emotions back on track and stop crying (lol). Thanks to all who listen.

My friend Kelly and her story with infertility

If you frequent my blog site you have probably read a bit here and there about my friend Kelly. Well, as I mentioned in my post on July 17th I wanted to share a couple different stories with all of you as to how infertility can affect you in many different ways. You now know that I conceived Cameron through IVF after an ectopic in 2004 which resulted in the loss of my right tube and a baby. Seems as though the infertility problem was with me and my lack of ovulating. Here is my friend Kelly's story...... she was gracious enough to share it with everyone with hopes that it would help many other couples going through the same struggles that her and her hubby went through. *Thanks for reading*

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I also attached a few pictures of her and that cute little baby belly.

IT CAN HAPPEN SO NEVER GIVE UP ON

YOUR DREAMS OF BECOMING A PARENT!!

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So here's my journey through IVF. When I was married at 24 (in 2006) I was aware that if I wanted to have children I was going to have to go through IVF since my husband had already had a vasectomy years ago after he had his two children. Before we were married he went and had his sperm aspirated and so we had I believe about seven vials of sperm frozen. We decided to start trying soon after we were married. In the beginning I was a little nervous because I had no known problems of conceiving and I was definitely young for a typical IVF patient, so I thought for sure multiples would probably be in my future and how would I handle that??. Boy was I wrong.....

IVF #1 (Oct.-Nov. 2006) Had 11 eggs retrieved, 4 fertilized, all 4 were transferred. No pregnancy.

IVF #2 (Jan.-Feb. 2007) 18 eggs retrieved, 6 fertilized, 4 transferred, none able to be frozen. Pregnancy test came back as a maybe (HCG started at 21, continued to rise). After ultrasound found out the embryo was not developing correctly, miscarried at about 8 weeks. Devastation! I was not sure if I could go through IVF again.

IVF #3 (June-July 2007) 14 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 4 transferred, none able to be frozen. Positive pregnancy test (HCG 149, rose but didn't always double). Saw fetus at 7 week ultrasound, doctor wanted me to come back in a week for another ultrasound. 8 week ultrasound fetus had stopped developing, had a D&C the next week :(. That was it! I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I was not going to have a child of my own. I was only 25 years old!! Would I be ok with that??? The doctors gave us no answers, said it was just the roll of the dice. All testing came back from the D&C, we both had blood work done, no known cause of why we hadn't been able to conceive. Each IVF took about 1 vial of the frozen sperm so we had 4 left.

IVF #4 (Nov.-Dec. 2007) I gave up recording all the numbers for this one. Pretty much went though the procedure knowing what the end result would be. I believe we had about 12 eggs retrieved, most of which they said didn't look very good. In the end there were only 2 that were able to be transferred. Pregnancy test came back positive but didn't always double like it had in the past. There wasn't much excitement as the thought of another miscarriage was too much. At the 8 week ultrasound we saw a heartbeat and were actually dismissed from the IVF doctors to my OBGYN! I am now 36 weeks pregnant with a little boy! That equals a total of 14 embryos placed in me and only ONE survived! And I am only 26 years old! One of the hardest parts of going through IVF is wondering how long your journey will be. For some it only takes one round, for many others they are still waiting. I know I have been lucky to be able to have this many chances, it is very expensive and emotionally draining. I'm not sure how I got the courage to try a fourth time, but as many know, the drive/desire to have children I believe only grows and grows. I hope my story can give at least someone some HOPE somewhere. In the beginning multiples were my biggest concern. Little did I know how my life was about to go. Very, very excited to meet this miracle child!

-Kelly